"The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease, hints at human imperfection. Where there is perfection there is no story to tell."
I want to preface this with saying that I'm writing this so I won't forget. I don't want to forget how God has provided and been faithful.
One year ago I was completely uneasy and to be blunt, freaking out, about finding a teaching job in the area post graduation in May. Earlier in the year, I went through some tough stuff in which I had to let go of control and just let happen. As most know, I am a perfectionist about some things and want to have a plan. When there are no plans, I begin to feel anxious, overthink, and everything else that is bad. In the midst of this trying and difficult time, including a break up with a boyfriend, I had been learning to let go and let God do His thing. While applying for jobs, I earnestly prayed for guidance and to land wherever God wanted me to land. I would sing songs, pray, get prayer, and journal to fill my head and heart with His truth that He really does have it all under control .
Around this time of my unknowing what I would be doing after graduation, April 2014, I received a text from a friend saying that she knew of a family starting a private Christian school in the area. She gave me the info, told me she thought I would be a good fit, and encouraged me to apply.
The next day at my internship, I wrestled back and forth if I wanted to tell my cooperating teacher about this possible job opportunity. I knew that *most* teachers had negative feelings about private schools, especially concerning the pay. I finally decided to tell her about the opportunity. When I told her, I heard excitement in her voice as she told me to leave school immediately and go apply for the job! That was definitely not the reaction I was expecting, but of course I left and started to gather everything I needed to apply.
Once I applied, I waited for about a month or so, I think. During this time, I received a summer job at Sylvan Learning as a teacher. Finally, in June, I think, I received a call from the private school wanting to interview me. Once I interviewed, they called back, and offered me the job as a "Pre-K/Kindergarten teacher." I was so excited! I asked for 24 hours to consider. During these 24 hours I received 2 other job offers, both of which paid increasingly more than the private school job.
AWESOME. And I had less than 24 hours to figure this out.
Lol, "I."
"I" wasn't in charge of figuring anything out.
During these months, I had been learning more and more about listening and the Holy Spirit. Now, I was getting to put into action what I had been learning. I prayed, got prayer, journaled, and talked with friends and family during these 24 hours.. And just felt like I was supposed to be at the private school. I called back the next day and accepted the job.
Fast forward to the beginning of the school year...
I was so excited the first day of school! I was finally getting to use everything I had learned during my undergrad. As I said earlier, I was hired to be the pre-kindergarten and kindergarten teacher. I am licensed to teach kindergarten through 8th grade. I really didn't think much of the whole pre-k thing. It couldn't be that much different than kindergarten, right? Wrong. The first day of school I had a pre-k class only. I had only 8, I believe. I had student ages ranging from 3-5. The youngest group I had ever worked with during undergrad was 1st grade.
As the weeks progressed, I had more students enroll... All pre k. Eventually, I ended up having around 15 students (ages 3-5) by myself. These kids had never been in school before. And I had never taught pre-k before. If you aren't a mom, don't have younger siblings, or babysit on the regular, there is very little chance you know that toddlers are DIFFERENT... and I had no idea.
I felt like I had tried everything I knew to do and the students seemed out of control. I had no idea what to do, so I turned to Google and Pinterest. I spent my evenings and weekends researching everything about early childhood and pre-k. First thing I learned was that I needed an aide. Teacher/student ratios for this age are like, 1:8 or 1:10. That was half of my battle, or so I thought. It wasn't until a couple of months in that I got an aide. Things were still rough. I tried to seek out guidance, but I felt like nothing was working. I felt as if I was doing a disservice to students, and in turn I was causing myself extreme amounts of stress. It was during this time that I began to question why God had led me to this school. I was mad because I had been given other job offers, but I felt like God was leading me there. I questioned that SO much. I was constantly stressed, anxious, and in a bad mood. On the weekends, all I would do is sleep for the most part. My social life was suffering, my personal well-being was suffering, and I just wasn't being a good teacher.. I was being mean with a high level of control. I hated my job so much even, that I thought I NEVER wanted kids if they had to be this age. For a little while, I was just angry. Then, I felt sorry for myself . After a couple hundred of chats with my mother, she encouraged me to seek help out elsewhere.
Over Christmas break I met with a former professor who has years of experience in pre-k. She offered SO much guidance and support. She even gave me books to read over break to help me understand my students. I was feeling better, and changed everything I was doing in my classroom to better fit the needs of my students. I was done being upset and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to be proactive. I was ready for January!
January came, and things were much better than they had been. There was definitely a "come to Jesus" moment during this month. It was during a meeting with the "big dawgs" (board members) in which I was able to air some concerns aka I had no idea what I was doing and needed help ASAP. And then, it was like magic (or Jesus), I got help. I am now working with early childhood MASTERS at SIU to help me gain a better grasp on pre-k and my students. Since January, I have learned so, so much in regard to pre-k. I am gaining skills and knowledge that will forever be valuable. I would never had had an opportunity like this elsewhere. While I often reflect back on the first semester, I am no longer mad or upset about it.. But thankful and happy it happened. Yes, I thought my life was awful and wanted to quit my job and work at Pier 1, but I learned so, so much. I learned so much about myself personally, and as a teacher. This helped me develop and deepen my teaching philosophy, and has given me a wealth of experience.
My job is a struggle, but amazing.
My students teach me so much about myself, teaching, and life. I'm not going to say everything is perfect, because it is not. There are certainly bad days, too... And I still have A LOT to learn and improve upon.... But I approach those days with a thankful and understanding heart. No longer do I doubt God and His plan for me and why he led me to where I am. He had a plan all along. I am getting to become the teacher that I have always wanted to be. God took care of me. He had and still has a plan. I would never want to change this year. It has been the most challenging and emotional, yet rewarding and comforting year. I never want to forget this, because it is so clear that God always has a plan up his sleeve. This year is the greatest gift I could have ever gotten for my first year of teaching.
