I am the best at faking it when I want to. Faking a smile and a laugh and a look to seem like things are okay. I hate to think of bothering anyone with my little problems.
I have a life that is "put together". I have the best support system & family ever. I have wonderful friends. I am living my dream by attending college to become a teacher. I get to love on 1st graders all day long. I won't even pretend like my life is overly difficult. It's not. I am so blessed. I don't struggle in a deep, low sort of way that people do when they are in poverty or suffering from illness.
But even in the facade of a put together life, things begin to unravel quite quickly right when you begin to feel safe in your comfortable life with the man of your supposed dreams by your side when things aren't how they should be. Even in my success and happiness, there are attacks that I can feel spiritually. So as things begin to fall apart and I have been forced to rely on other things besides a boy and friends and a put together life.
I can call myself a Christian all day long but without a relationship with the One who loves me more than anything, well then it's just another word to describe myself. So that's what I have been building in a intentional way; a real relationship with God. One where I wake up and immediately read and talk to Him. And I do the same thing every night. And I do it all throughout the day. If I feel any emotion, I google something like "encouraging Bible verses" and read all 25 because I just don't know where to start and what else to do. It's a desperate kind of feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.
In these handful of days where I have been actively pursuing God, I haven't been the happiest, but I have been the safest. I know that I will be okay and I will be fine and I will be happy and joyous. And if I had to suffer through a break up to become closer with God, then so be it. Just another point to the fact that our trials have a purpose. There is light and there is freedom. It is so close.
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