Holes in the Playground

For the past few weeks in our classroom, we have been learning all about plants. Each day in our classroom, I am continually amazed with the child brain and its' cognitive abilities. We started off our plant unit by reading popular children's literature such as "The Tiny Seed" by Eric Carle and "From Seed to Plant" by Gail Gibbons. I had a long list of what I believe would be intriguing and hands-on activities for my kiddos. We planted tomatoes, onions, and peppers in our EarthBox Garden Container (Thank you Illinois Agriculture in the Classroom!!), marigolds, and of course we had to watch our window beans grow. We've made observations about our beans that led to identifying the parts of a plant. I added seeds and soil in our sensory table, gardening tools in our dramatic play, and have given them various plant-related scenarios to play off of in general during center time.

Today we went outside to recess, and students seemed bored and uninterested with the playground. The sandbox wasn't as appealing, and the slide just wasn't on their radar today. Lately students have been so excited to pull up plants (weeds) from the ground to look at the roots and identify the other parts. They make collections and even take them home to their parents to show them! I love seeing them so excited. Today, a student was fumbling around on the playground looking for weeds and decided he wanted to make a garden. He started putting his hands in the muddy ground and "planting" the pulled up weeds. He eventually had a nice little section of the playground planted. My first thought, was "Oh my goodness. His hands are messy. He is getting dirt everywhere. He is digging (small) holes in the playground. He's getting dirty. He might get hurt or dirty. What if he throws the dirt? He needs to stop." THAT is the elementary educator in me; however, I began to observe him and realized that nearly HALF of the class came over to see what he was doing. They immediately joined in and I could hear them saying "plant the roots! They suck up the food and water!! It will die if you don't!", or "Miss Sirach! We need water! The plants will die without water!!" They were even throwing out terms that I didn't think they would remember such as: minerals, nutrients, shoot, seedling, etc!

How could I stop them from this?

In no way was this hindering their learning at all... but ENHANCING it completely. This play was so appopriate. They were so engaged, excited and proud of their "gardening" work. Sure, they were digging (small) holes in the playground and they were getting their hands a little dirty... but I couldn't stop them from this. As I reflected back on this throughout the day, I was reminded of everything that I have learned this year. I was so used to such a high-level of control... but with early childhood, you must have an entirely different mindset. I'm currently reading Moral Classrooms, Moral Children: Creating a Constructivist Approach in Early Education (thank you, Dr. McIntyre!). Today's incident immediately reminded me of many things I've read in this book, but specifically this: "Consider some characteristics of most prisons that also characterize most schools. Liberty is suppressed. There is no possibility of demanding rights from authorities. Inmates and children are EXCLUDED from power in decision/making. Rewards are manipulated as exchange for compliance with authorities. Punishments are decided bureaucratically, sometimes for minor infractions of petty rules. Let us not force our children to be imprisoned in school."


While the elementary educator with a high-level of control within me was saying, "DIGGING HOLES IN THE PLAYGROUND? GETTING YOUR HANDS DIRTY?" the other part of me was saying this was completely ok because they were so engaged in their learning... and it was amazing. They are excited about learning. Rarely is that a trend past kindergarten anymore... and I want to change that. I don't have the whole teaching thing down perfect... and I never will, but I love learning new things that shape my teaching philosophy. I love learning things that help me understand my students. 


And I love seeing my students love learning. 

Teacher: Year One

"The fact of storytelling hints at a fundamental human unease, hints at human imperfection. Where there is perfection there is no story to tell." 

I want to preface this with saying that I'm writing this so I won't forget. I don't want to forget how God has provided and been faithful.

One year ago I was completely uneasy and to be blunt, freaking out, about finding a teaching job in the area post graduation in May. Earlier in the year, I went through some tough stuff in which I had to let go of control and just let happen. As most know, I am a perfectionist about some things and want to have a plan. When there are no plans, I begin to feel anxious, overthink, and everything else that is bad.  In the midst of this trying and difficult time, including a break up with a boyfriend, I had been learning to let go and let God do His thing. While applying for jobs, I earnestly prayed for guidance and to land wherever God wanted me to land. I would sing songs, pray, get prayer, and journal to fill my head and heart with His truth that He really does have it all under control .

Around this time of my unknowing what I would be doing after graduation, April 2014, I received a text from a friend saying that she knew of a family starting a private Christian school in the area.  She gave me the info, told me she thought I would be a good fit, and encouraged me to apply.

The next day at my internship, I wrestled back and forth if I wanted to tell my cooperating teacher about this possible job opportunity. I knew that *most* teachers had negative feelings about private schools, especially concerning the pay.  I finally decided to tell her about the opportunity. When I told her, I heard excitement in her voice as she told me to leave school immediately and go apply for the job! That was definitely not the reaction I was expecting, but of course I left and started to gather everything I needed to apply.

Once I applied, I waited for about a month or so, I think. During this time, I received a summer job at Sylvan Learning as a teacher. Finally, in June, I think, I received a call from the private school wanting to interview me. Once I interviewed, they called back, and offered me the job as a "Pre-K/Kindergarten teacher."  I was so excited! I asked for 24 hours to consider. During these 24 hours I received 2 other job offers, both of which paid increasingly more than the private school job.

AWESOME.  And I had less than 24 hours to figure this out.

Lol, "I."

"I" wasn't in charge of figuring anything out.

During these months, I had been learning more and more about listening and the Holy Spirit.  Now, I was getting to put into action what I had been learning. I prayed, got prayer, journaled, and talked with friends and family during these 24 hours.. And just felt like I was supposed to be at the private school. I called back the next day and accepted the job.

Fast forward to the beginning of the school year...

I was so excited the first day of school! I was finally getting to use everything I had learned during my undergrad. As I said earlier, I was hired to be the pre-kindergarten and kindergarten teacher. I am licensed to teach kindergarten through 8th grade. I really didn't think much of the whole pre-k thing.  It couldn't be that much different than kindergarten, right? Wrong. The first day of school I had a pre-k class only. I had only 8, I believe. I had student ages ranging from 3-5.  The youngest group I had ever worked with during undergrad was 1st grade.

As the weeks progressed, I had more students enroll... All pre k. Eventually, I ended up having around 15 students (ages 3-5) by myself. These kids had never been in school before. And I had never taught pre-k before. If you aren't a mom, don't have younger siblings, or babysit on the regular, there is very little chance you know that toddlers are DIFFERENT... and I had no idea.

I felt like I had tried everything I knew to do and the students seemed out of control. I had no idea what to do, so I turned to Google and Pinterest. I spent my evenings and weekends researching everything about early childhood and pre-k. First thing I learned was that I needed an aide. Teacher/student ratios for this age are like, 1:8 or 1:10. That was half of my battle, or so I thought.  It wasn't until a couple of months in that I got an aide. Things were still rough. I tried to seek out guidance, but I felt like nothing was working.  I felt as if I was doing a disservice to students, and in turn I was causing myself extreme amounts of stress. It was during this time that I began to question why God had led me to this school. I was mad because I had been given other job offers, but I felt like God was leading me there. I questioned that SO much. I was constantly stressed, anxious, and in a bad mood. On the weekends, all I would do is sleep for the most part. My social life was suffering, my personal well-being was suffering, and I just wasn't being a good teacher.. I was being mean with a high level of control.  I hated my job so much even, that I thought I NEVER wanted kids if they had to be this age. For a little while, I was just angry. Then, I felt sorry for myself . After a couple hundred of chats with my mother, she encouraged me to seek help out elsewhere.

Over Christmas break I met with a former professor who has years of experience in pre-k. She  offered SO much guidance and support. She even gave me books to read over break to help me understand my students. I was feeling better, and changed everything I was doing in my classroom to better fit the needs of my students. I was done being upset and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to be proactive. I was ready for January!

January came, and things were much better than they had been. There was definitely a "come to Jesus" moment during this month.  It was during a meeting with the "big dawgs" (board members) in which I was able to air some concerns aka I had no idea what I was doing and needed help ASAP. And then, it was like magic (or Jesus), I got help. I am now working with early childhood MASTERS at SIU to help me gain a better grasp on pre-k and my students. Since January, I have learned so, so much in regard to pre-k. I am gaining skills and knowledge that will forever be valuable. I would never had had an opportunity like this elsewhere. While I often reflect back on the first semester, I am no longer mad or upset about it.. But thankful and happy it happened. Yes, I thought my life was awful and wanted to quit my job and work at Pier 1, but I learned so, so much. I learned so much about myself personally, and as a teacher. This helped me develop and deepen my teaching philosophy, and has given me a wealth of experience.

My job is a struggle, but amazing.

My students teach me so much about myself, teaching, and life. I'm not going to say everything is perfect, because it is not. There are certainly bad days, too... And I still have A LOT to learn and improve upon.... But I approach those days with a thankful and understanding heart. No longer do I doubt God and His plan for me and why he led me to where I am. He had a plan all along. I am getting to become the teacher that I have always wanted to be. God took care of me. He had and still has a plan. I would never want to change this year. It has been the most challenging and emotional, yet rewarding and comforting year. I never want to forget this, because it is so clear that  God always has a plan up his sleeve. This year is the greatest gift  I could have ever gotten for my first year of teaching.

Classroom Management & Psalm 103

I'm halfway done with this semester. This means a few short weeks and I will be graduating! Because of my internship, however, I'll be in the 1st grade until June 6th.. Which is a-okay with me! I wouldn't want to leave the class early for anything! I've grown so much this semester, not only as a teacher but as a person.. As a 20 year old single female. One thing we are taught in the education program is to become reflective practitioners. I find reflecting not only helpful in terms of "teacher stuff" but also just everyday regular "20 year old female stuff."

This semester I have been exposed to SO much. 

And I am so, so, SO thankful for it! 

I'm thankful for the diversity in which I have encountered - every single bit of it!

I have seen the effects of socioeconomic factors play into a child's behavior and performance at school. I have seen cultural and ethnic diversity. 
I have seen authentic learning. 
I have seen authentic assessment.
I have seen and helped design curriculum using the CCSS and NGSS. 
I have seen students use technology in ways I never thought was possible. (Who remembers those old school typing computers that had the TINY little screen they used to bring around to classrooms on a huge cart? Yeah.. they have iPads now and Apple TV and a bunch of other wonderful technology! Woah.)
I have seen bilingual classrooms. 
I have seen bullying.
I have seen rage.
I have seen kindness.

One issue that has impacted me greatly this semester is behavior. I've seen many types of behavior; both good and bad. It's easy for me to say that both types of behaviors impact me in different ways, but I spend most of my time thinking about the bad behaviors. I can't tell you how many days and hours my CT and I have spent brainstorming ways to revamp our classroom management plan. I will come home after school and hours of planning with a heavy heart for these students who have these negative behaviors. Sometimes at school these students will call me and other teachers names, they will say they don't like 1st grade, they will hit, kick, bite, they will disrespect themselves, others, and property... And honestly just be mean.

I cannot tell you how much time I spend thinking, praying, brainstorming ideas to help these students. I know it is my purpose above all to show love to each student, but it wasn't until recent ally this specific verse came to mind: 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Psalm 103:8-10

These students need me to be compassionate, and maybe God needs me to show them grace, just like he shows me every single day. 

For whatever reason, some students have really rough days and trouble obeying, but in the end I think all they really want is to know that someone unconditionally loves them. 

Isn’t that what we all want? Unconditional love, forgiveness, grace and compassion? I pray that I can continue to reflect the character of God to my students. 

Resting in the Unknown

I can tell you who I want to be, I can tell you the kind of life I want to live, but aside from that, there really isn’t much else that I am certain of. I graduate in May and will then be looking for a "real life" job. I find myself asking, "Where will I live?, Where will I work?, Will I be a teacher? Will I be in a relationship? Who will I marry? Will I be able to survive on my own?!" I often refer to my life as a big question mark. So I try to cling to anything known; It helps me stay far away from the words that cause me so much anxiety:

“I don’t know.”

When I speak those words it seems like the world retorts right back saying, “Well you better find out.”

All around me I feel as if everyone else "knows." They have it all figured out, they're getting married, they have a job lined up, etc. (This is completely false but for some reason I trick myself into believing it.) I get so caught up in planning and controlling my future that I forget to enjoy the present. And to be honest, when I get caught up in the control, anxiety ensues and I break down. 

And that's when I say, I just want it to be okay to say ‘I don’t know.'

Isn’t that what we all want? It to just be okay to not know, not know where you’re going, not know what job you may get (or not get), not know who to date, not know what you want to do, not even know what your passionate about, to just not know what your doing in this crazy life.

Why can’t we just rest in the unknown? Why do we have such a hard time enjoying life in between our aspirations and not knowing how to achieve them, in between knowing who we want to be and not knowing how to be that person. 

I want to enjoy the unknown.. So.. 

Let’s just enjoy the unknown!

Proverbs 25:2 (NIV) says that “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”

THE GLORY OF GOD TO CONCEAL A MATTER!

God intentionally sets things in the unknown so that it is our glory to seek them out, through finding rest and assurance in Him. So that we have the faith to say “I don’t know,” and still live life filled with peace, filled with hope, filled with REST. (Oh, thank goodness!!)

Instead of running away from what’s ahead, because worldly standards pressure me to be fearful of the unknown, I am choosing today to rest in the fact that it is the glory of God to conceal a matter. I am believing that even when I don’t know where my next step is leading me, the path is fruitful, and so I’m just going to keep on walking.

Everything Put Together Falls Apart

I am the best at faking it when I want to. Faking a smile and a laugh and a look to seem like things are okay. I hate to think of bothering anyone with my little problems.

I have a life that is "put together". I have the best support system & family ever. I have wonderful friends. I am living my dream by attending college to become a teacher. I get to love on 1st graders all day long. I won't even pretend like my life is overly difficult. It's not. I am so blessed. I don't struggle in a deep, low sort of way that people do when they are in poverty or suffering from illness.

But even in the facade of a put together life, things begin to unravel quite quickly right when you begin to feel safe in your comfortable life with the man of your supposed dreams by your side when things aren't how they should be. Even in my success and happiness, there are attacks that I can feel spiritually. So as things begin to fall apart and I have been forced to rely on other things besides a boy and friends and a put together life.

I can call myself a Christian all day long but without a relationship with the One who loves me more than anything, well then it's just another word to describe myself. So that's what I have been building in a intentional way; a real relationship with God. One where I wake up and immediately read and talk to Him. And I do the same thing every night. And I do it all throughout the day. If I feel any emotion, I google something like "encouraging Bible verses" and read all 25 because I just don't know where to start and what else to do. It's a desperate kind of feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.

In these handful of days where I have been actively pursuing God, I haven't been the happiest, but I have been the safest. I know that I will be okay and I will be fine and I will be happy and joyous. And if I had to suffer through a break up to become closer with God, then so be it. Just another point to the fact that our trials have a purpose. There is light and there is freedom. It is so close. 

A little letter to my pug pup

My dearest sweet pug pup, Mister Jackson, 

We've only been together for one week - almost to the hour! I love you so much - more than your little puppy mind can ever imagine! But, let's be real. This past week you've been a pain in the butt. (Just being real.) You have pooped and peed everywhere - and I know you will continue to do so for at least a couple of more months until you are fully housetrained. I hate it that I have to lock you up in a little gated space because I can't trust you. I hate, hate, hate going to school or running errands and leaving you in general. The only thing that is on my mind when I am gone is you! I'm always worried if you're hungry, bored, and if you're ok. I know, I know, everyone says, "He's just a dog!" I still am so new to this - and will continue to Google silly questions such as: "Can puppies choke on their teeth?!" And I will most definitely visit pugvillage.com at least 3 times a day. I won't forget the first day you woke me up at 4 and 6 in the morning with your precious and adorable yelps and cries. I will admit there have been times I have questioned if I could truly take care of you to the best of my ability. But, I really think you have been one of the best things that has happened in my life! Let me tell you why..


You kindof remind me of my relationship with God. You're just a dog, I know. But listen!

Sometimes, you just don't listen to me.. even though I know what's best for you, you still choose to rebel and run away. For the most part, you rarely listen to me unless I have a treat for you. On the other hand, you love me - you absolutely love me. You get excited as soon as I get home and walk through the door. You give me kisses and cuddles. (Those are my absolute favorite!)

Sure, you're pretty darn cute - but you are such a rebel. Even though it's just been one week - 7 days, I've had to step back and smile (while you're napping), reflecting on my relationship with God. I know, I know. you're a dog. I'm a human. But, there are so many things I learn from you, which teaches me more about God.

I'm the biggest mess. I never have and never will ever have it all together. Sometimes, I intentionally run away from God and choose not to listen to Him because I fool myself into beliving that my ways are better than His ways.. even though I know He knows what is best for me. Really, I find myself turning and praying to God whenever I need him the most - kindof like treats. Whenever I wander away from God, I'm such a sad human being, wandering throughout my days with no purpose. I don't want to do that. I don't want to run to God only when I need him. I want to always be with God because I always am in need of Him. Even though I often rebel against Him despite His warnings - he always takes me back.

He uses people, books, music, nature, everyday life things to always bring me back to Him. Sometimes  it can be ugly - but these things often serve as vessels with a great purpose: to bring me back to the One who loves me the most.

The fact that I will never give up on you even when you refuse to listen to me (even though I know what's best for you. I promise - I'm just helping you when you try to make big jumps down from the couch and I hold you back!), reminds me of the way that God will never give up on me.

So...
thanks, Mister Jackson, for reminding me how silly I can be sometimes. For reminding me of God's grace. And ultimately, reminding me of God's greatest gift of all - his love to us, which is so much better than any treat ever!

I know you will never completely understand me. You're a dog. BUT, I love you so much than you're finite puppy mind will never, ever be able to fully comprehend! Which reminds me of how I will never completely understand God. I'll never understand why certain things happen or certain things don't happen. I don't understand and I never will. 


I know this is probably so silly. But thank you, Mister Jackson! Even though you'll never understand, or even read this, but you really have already taught me so much than you will ever know in such a short amount of time! 

You remind me of myself and to continually seek the Lord and to abide in His love.

Love,
Your Human
Kellyn

charlottesville, va

Many things have been going on & these days have been very full. Thankfully, God allowed me to get away from everything this past weekend... Amidst the large workload of summer school. So, I was able to go with my parents to visit my brother in Virginia! 

A few photos from my iphone since the last time I updated this little space: 

It was such a nice weekend! Now, we are sitting in Lexington, Virginia because we had a tire blow out on the interstate. At least it's pretty here. : )