Classroom Management & Psalm 103

I'm halfway done with this semester. This means a few short weeks and I will be graduating! Because of my internship, however, I'll be in the 1st grade until June 6th.. Which is a-okay with me! I wouldn't want to leave the class early for anything! I've grown so much this semester, not only as a teacher but as a person.. As a 20 year old single female. One thing we are taught in the education program is to become reflective practitioners. I find reflecting not only helpful in terms of "teacher stuff" but also just everyday regular "20 year old female stuff."

This semester I have been exposed to SO much. 

And I am so, so, SO thankful for it! 

I'm thankful for the diversity in which I have encountered - every single bit of it!

I have seen the effects of socioeconomic factors play into a child's behavior and performance at school. I have seen cultural and ethnic diversity. 
I have seen authentic learning. 
I have seen authentic assessment.
I have seen and helped design curriculum using the CCSS and NGSS. 
I have seen students use technology in ways I never thought was possible. (Who remembers those old school typing computers that had the TINY little screen they used to bring around to classrooms on a huge cart? Yeah.. they have iPads now and Apple TV and a bunch of other wonderful technology! Woah.)
I have seen bilingual classrooms. 
I have seen bullying.
I have seen rage.
I have seen kindness.

One issue that has impacted me greatly this semester is behavior. I've seen many types of behavior; both good and bad. It's easy for me to say that both types of behaviors impact me in different ways, but I spend most of my time thinking about the bad behaviors. I can't tell you how many days and hours my CT and I have spent brainstorming ways to revamp our classroom management plan. I will come home after school and hours of planning with a heavy heart for these students who have these negative behaviors. Sometimes at school these students will call me and other teachers names, they will say they don't like 1st grade, they will hit, kick, bite, they will disrespect themselves, others, and property... And honestly just be mean.

I cannot tell you how much time I spend thinking, praying, brainstorming ideas to help these students. I know it is my purpose above all to show love to each student, but it wasn't until recent ally this specific verse came to mind: 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

Psalm 103:8-10

These students need me to be compassionate, and maybe God needs me to show them grace, just like he shows me every single day. 

For whatever reason, some students have really rough days and trouble obeying, but in the end I think all they really want is to know that someone unconditionally loves them. 

Isn’t that what we all want? Unconditional love, forgiveness, grace and compassion? I pray that I can continue to reflect the character of God to my students. 

Resting in the Unknown

I can tell you who I want to be, I can tell you the kind of life I want to live, but aside from that, there really isn’t much else that I am certain of. I graduate in May and will then be looking for a "real life" job. I find myself asking, "Where will I live?, Where will I work?, Will I be a teacher? Will I be in a relationship? Who will I marry? Will I be able to survive on my own?!" I often refer to my life as a big question mark. So I try to cling to anything known; It helps me stay far away from the words that cause me so much anxiety:

“I don’t know.”

When I speak those words it seems like the world retorts right back saying, “Well you better find out.”

All around me I feel as if everyone else "knows." They have it all figured out, they're getting married, they have a job lined up, etc. (This is completely false but for some reason I trick myself into believing it.) I get so caught up in planning and controlling my future that I forget to enjoy the present. And to be honest, when I get caught up in the control, anxiety ensues and I break down. 

And that's when I say, I just want it to be okay to say ‘I don’t know.'

Isn’t that what we all want? It to just be okay to not know, not know where you’re going, not know what job you may get (or not get), not know who to date, not know what you want to do, not even know what your passionate about, to just not know what your doing in this crazy life.

Why can’t we just rest in the unknown? Why do we have such a hard time enjoying life in between our aspirations and not knowing how to achieve them, in between knowing who we want to be and not knowing how to be that person. 

I want to enjoy the unknown.. So.. 

Let’s just enjoy the unknown!

Proverbs 25:2 (NIV) says that “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”

THE GLORY OF GOD TO CONCEAL A MATTER!

God intentionally sets things in the unknown so that it is our glory to seek them out, through finding rest and assurance in Him. So that we have the faith to say “I don’t know,” and still live life filled with peace, filled with hope, filled with REST. (Oh, thank goodness!!)

Instead of running away from what’s ahead, because worldly standards pressure me to be fearful of the unknown, I am choosing today to rest in the fact that it is the glory of God to conceal a matter. I am believing that even when I don’t know where my next step is leading me, the path is fruitful, and so I’m just going to keep on walking.

Everything Put Together Falls Apart

I am the best at faking it when I want to. Faking a smile and a laugh and a look to seem like things are okay. I hate to think of bothering anyone with my little problems.

I have a life that is "put together". I have the best support system & family ever. I have wonderful friends. I am living my dream by attending college to become a teacher. I get to love on 1st graders all day long. I won't even pretend like my life is overly difficult. It's not. I am so blessed. I don't struggle in a deep, low sort of way that people do when they are in poverty or suffering from illness.

But even in the facade of a put together life, things begin to unravel quite quickly right when you begin to feel safe in your comfortable life with the man of your supposed dreams by your side when things aren't how they should be. Even in my success and happiness, there are attacks that I can feel spiritually. So as things begin to fall apart and I have been forced to rely on other things besides a boy and friends and a put together life.

I can call myself a Christian all day long but without a relationship with the One who loves me more than anything, well then it's just another word to describe myself. So that's what I have been building in a intentional way; a real relationship with God. One where I wake up and immediately read and talk to Him. And I do the same thing every night. And I do it all throughout the day. If I feel any emotion, I google something like "encouraging Bible verses" and read all 25 because I just don't know where to start and what else to do. It's a desperate kind of feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.

In these handful of days where I have been actively pursuing God, I haven't been the happiest, but I have been the safest. I know that I will be okay and I will be fine and I will be happy and joyous. And if I had to suffer through a break up to become closer with God, then so be it. Just another point to the fact that our trials have a purpose. There is light and there is freedom. It is so close.