Everything Put Together Falls Apart

I am the best at faking it when I want to. Faking a smile and a laugh and a look to seem like things are okay. I hate to think of bothering anyone with my little problems.

I have a life that is "put together". I have the best support system & family ever. I have wonderful friends. I am living my dream by attending college to become a teacher. I get to love on 1st graders all day long. I won't even pretend like my life is overly difficult. It's not. I am so blessed. I don't struggle in a deep, low sort of way that people do when they are in poverty or suffering from illness.

But even in the facade of a put together life, things begin to unravel quite quickly right when you begin to feel safe in your comfortable life with the man of your supposed dreams by your side when things aren't how they should be. Even in my success and happiness, there are attacks that I can feel spiritually. So as things begin to fall apart and I have been forced to rely on other things besides a boy and friends and a put together life.

I can call myself a Christian all day long but without a relationship with the One who loves me more than anything, well then it's just another word to describe myself. So that's what I have been building in a intentional way; a real relationship with God. One where I wake up and immediately read and talk to Him. And I do the same thing every night. And I do it all throughout the day. If I feel any emotion, I google something like "encouraging Bible verses" and read all 25 because I just don't know where to start and what else to do. It's a desperate kind of feeling that I haven't felt in a long time.

In these handful of days where I have been actively pursuing God, I haven't been the happiest, but I have been the safest. I know that I will be okay and I will be fine and I will be happy and joyous. And if I had to suffer through a break up to become closer with God, then so be it. Just another point to the fact that our trials have a purpose. There is light and there is freedom. It is so close. 

A little letter to my pug pup

My dearest sweet pug pup, Mister Jackson, 

We've only been together for one week - almost to the hour! I love you so much - more than your little puppy mind can ever imagine! But, let's be real. This past week you've been a pain in the butt. (Just being real.) You have pooped and peed everywhere - and I know you will continue to do so for at least a couple of more months until you are fully housetrained. I hate it that I have to lock you up in a little gated space because I can't trust you. I hate, hate, hate going to school or running errands and leaving you in general. The only thing that is on my mind when I am gone is you! I'm always worried if you're hungry, bored, and if you're ok. I know, I know, everyone says, "He's just a dog!" I still am so new to this - and will continue to Google silly questions such as: "Can puppies choke on their teeth?!" And I will most definitely visit pugvillage.com at least 3 times a day. I won't forget the first day you woke me up at 4 and 6 in the morning with your precious and adorable yelps and cries. I will admit there have been times I have questioned if I could truly take care of you to the best of my ability. But, I really think you have been one of the best things that has happened in my life! Let me tell you why..


You kindof remind me of my relationship with God. You're just a dog, I know. But listen!

Sometimes, you just don't listen to me.. even though I know what's best for you, you still choose to rebel and run away. For the most part, you rarely listen to me unless I have a treat for you. On the other hand, you love me - you absolutely love me. You get excited as soon as I get home and walk through the door. You give me kisses and cuddles. (Those are my absolute favorite!)

Sure, you're pretty darn cute - but you are such a rebel. Even though it's just been one week - 7 days, I've had to step back and smile (while you're napping), reflecting on my relationship with God. I know, I know. you're a dog. I'm a human. But, there are so many things I learn from you, which teaches me more about God.

I'm the biggest mess. I never have and never will ever have it all together. Sometimes, I intentionally run away from God and choose not to listen to Him because I fool myself into beliving that my ways are better than His ways.. even though I know He knows what is best for me. Really, I find myself turning and praying to God whenever I need him the most - kindof like treats. Whenever I wander away from God, I'm such a sad human being, wandering throughout my days with no purpose. I don't want to do that. I don't want to run to God only when I need him. I want to always be with God because I always am in need of Him. Even though I often rebel against Him despite His warnings - he always takes me back.

He uses people, books, music, nature, everyday life things to always bring me back to Him. Sometimes  it can be ugly - but these things often serve as vessels with a great purpose: to bring me back to the One who loves me the most.

The fact that I will never give up on you even when you refuse to listen to me (even though I know what's best for you. I promise - I'm just helping you when you try to make big jumps down from the couch and I hold you back!), reminds me of the way that God will never give up on me.

So...
thanks, Mister Jackson, for reminding me how silly I can be sometimes. For reminding me of God's grace. And ultimately, reminding me of God's greatest gift of all - his love to us, which is so much better than any treat ever!

I know you will never completely understand me. You're a dog. BUT, I love you so much than you're finite puppy mind will never, ever be able to fully comprehend! Which reminds me of how I will never completely understand God. I'll never understand why certain things happen or certain things don't happen. I don't understand and I never will. 


I know this is probably so silly. But thank you, Mister Jackson! Even though you'll never understand, or even read this, but you really have already taught me so much than you will ever know in such a short amount of time! 

You remind me of myself and to continually seek the Lord and to abide in His love.

Love,
Your Human
Kellyn

charlottesville, va

Many things have been going on & these days have been very full. Thankfully, God allowed me to get away from everything this past weekend... Amidst the large workload of summer school. So, I was able to go with my parents to visit my brother in Virginia! 

A few photos from my iphone since the last time I updated this little space: 

It was such a nice weekend! Now, we are sitting in Lexington, Virginia because we had a tire blow out on the interstate. At least it's pretty here. : ) 

It's ok.

“The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren’t always easy to be around — and that’s okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren’t all of who you are and they certainly don’t discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness.” - Daniell Koepke

nice day, folks! : a lot of pictures

my, my, my! 

The past couple of days have been filled with so many exciting adventures.

On Thursday, my dad & I went on a ride in a hot air balloon. We watched the sunrise and it was pretty much the best thing I've ever done in my life. We also adventured downtown Belleville & strolled through many antique and thrift stores. (Thrifting is always a good idea.)

On Friday, my lady best, Hillary, and I left to go to Nashville. We spent the night & adventured downtown Nashville, made some friends, and went to the flea market the next day. 

For the first time, it truly felt like summer. I mean it really felt like summer, the goodness of summer.  Windows rolled down, arm out the window, sun shining bright, sunglasses on, good music blasting, laughing and dancing.

Summertime is liberating, and all is gravy in my heart. :)

Actually, gravy wouldn't be good in my heart.

But you get it.

:)