I thought I had it all figured out : trust

I've been thinking about a lot of things that have happened recently. Everything is changing and everything is really, really good. I think back to where I was a year and a half ago and everything that I had planned for myself. For some reason, at age 19, I made so many plans. I mapped out literally every single thing that I wanted (at the time.) I thought I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I would do with my life, where I would work, etc. I think girls have a tendency to map out everything from time to time. I guess we just like to be on top of things, or so we think.

Fast forward to now, 2013:

Every single thing that I had planned for myself is completely different than what I thought it would be. It's kindof funny, I feel like I had planned my life all out and God just knocked it all down forcing me to trust Him and His will for my life. I thought I had the "perfect planned out life," but soon realized how silly that was of me. No matter how hard I tried to make my own plan work, I feel like God always had his way of saying "no." Honestly, a couple of months ago I knew I needed to quit attempting to figure it all out and have all the answers. Honestly, the past few months I've done a couple of things that I never ever thought I would ever do, but they have turned out to be so good.

But of course, recently I've been trying to plan it all out yet again! I always think about how a year from now I will no longer be a student. I will be graduating. I will be a real life teacher. Quite frankly, this scares me more than anything at the moment. And, I hope I'm not alone in this. I'm not doubting my ability to be a teacher, but my ability to be a functioning adult. Ha ha! However, I am constantly reminded to put my entire, whole heart and trust back into Him. Because He knows better than anyone else, especially me. 

No matter what I have planned for my life, God has a much better plan that I could ever imagine. 

I'm just so silly sometimes and like to doubt God (no bueno, Kellyn. One of my many weaknesses!) He has given me everything I need, and even things I didn't even know I needed. I realize that I'm scared and I like to take things into my own hands most of the time; however, I think about it, and not completely knowing what is going to happen is kindof exciting, right? I mean, anything could happen. Ah! That's exciting! I think I'll try to be more open-minded to this, and the fact that spontaneous and not necessarily knowing all is such a good thing, especially when it's not in my hands.

Giving and receiving trust has shown to be so completely rewarding and I can't wait for more. 

Attempting to put gratitude into words, oh my.

My, my, my! What a wonderful week! I'm 20!

My heart is so happy!

I started off the week by turning in one of the biggest projects of the semester, thank goodness! I was so, so relieved. I went on my weekly walk around campus lake with my best gal pal (who also ended up getting engaged tonight. AH!) On Wednesday, I got a summer job. (I have been wanting a job for the longest time! So, thank good Lord.) On Thursday after night class, my sweet elementary ed pals surprised me with a little birthday get-together. I'm so thankful for them! It means more to me then they will ever know. Without a doubt, this is the most meaningful, nice, thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I met with my sweet conversation partner, Sun-ah, and she shared with me her love story. If you want your cheeks to hurt from smiling a lot, ask someone to tell you their love story. Every week I feel thankful for this girl and everything she teaches me! I spent my Friday night with my best ladies for my birthday. On this very night, I also got rejected for ownership of a goldfish. My heart broke into a million pieces because of this occurrence, but, I soon forgot about it and all was well once again. Saturday, my birthday, my momma woke me up with blueberry birthday scones and a glass of orange juice. Like always, my grandma called me and sang happy birthday to me. I then spent the day celebrating Record Store Day with one of the best human beings. Just so you all know, I had the best time.

THEN,
I went to my best friend's engagement party. Except, she didn't know it was her engagement party. She thought it was a birthday party for her boyfriend. She was completely surprised. It was the best. I love love. I love her. YAY.

I then spent the evening with my family. We had dinner, and it was the best. I love their company and the food they make.

I had the best birthday week.

My heart just feels so happy and full of joy. Literally, it's overflowing with joy.  I'm just feeling so, so thankful for every single person and opportunity God has placed in my life so far, new and old! I am just feeling really blessed.  I am completely undeserving of all of this, yet because God is such a nice fella and loves me, he has placed all of this in my life!

I like Him a lot.

Every single person I've come into contact with, I feel so happy and glad to know them. I think it's really hard to express how happy and thankful I feel for every single person.  It's always really nice to know that we aren't on Earth alone, but that we have each other. I wish that I could just send out one big, giant hug and kiss on the cheek to every single person... and say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Found this on our weekly walk around Campus Lake. 

Loved spending my Friday with my gal pals. 

Emma wrapped my present in Christmas wrapping paper, which was perfect because I love Christmas. 

They're engaged! 

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me, (An Ode to Turning 20)

A lot is going to occur in the next couple of years. You finish high school, discover yourself, and your passions. You start college! It's fantastic, but quit worrying about the little things. You join the Speech Team, but that just didn't work out because it wasn't really your passion anymore and quite frankly, it gave you panic attacks! You had a hard time quitting the team, that's because you were always an overachiever, weren't you? You always worry about pleasing those around you, so quit that! You'll learn soon. You're going to fall in love for the very first time this year. When you look back, you'll wish that you could change a lot of things, but be glad it all happened. School will be really overwhelming, but you will love it and be ok. You'll graduate and then go to SIU. Oh, and that boy you loved? Yeah, well that didn't work out. No harm, no foul, but he will make all the difference. Yes, yes, he will open your eyes, but not right away of course. Good things come in time. Okay, so you absolutely love school and everything Carbondale offers. There will be boys and friends and you'll lose them along the way, but things are really going for you. You cherish and appreciate every single moment. You went from a selfish girl to a selfless women in the time it took to walk the capital steps. Everything changes. You'll meet and keep the most amazing friends in the world. You will always be second, third, or actually forth. Take it though, because you use to do the same to another. You'll learn from it and it will make you a better person (I hope so anyway). All those morals and hopes and dreams you have for yourself- don't lose those! They will be so important when you lose everything. You won't see it coming at all. Take in the sadness and dwell in it, but only for a moment. You've got so much to do! You'll take many tests and create many lessons and your cooperating teacher will be the most amazing person in the world. You'll learn a lot from her, so keep your ears open. You will fall in love with the classroom and with those precious kiddos you're going to be teaching.  Spring fever will kick in but don't let it get you down! You'll be disconnected from school, so work extra had to stay on top of your work. You find small glimpses of happiness in the 20 minute breaks for dinner and walks around campus lake. Hold onto that faith of yours. It's hands down the most important thing you'll ever have. Always stand your ground. People love you for who you are, so never try to be anything but that. You've also got the best friends in the world. Never take them for granted and tell them how much they mean to you. And Kellyn, don't you ever regret loving someone and loving them with your whole being. 

10 out of 10 people die.

the big 'ole beautiful, blue sky

I was listening to the radio on my drive to Harrisburg yesterday, and I heard this:

"10 out of 10 people die."

(Well, duh, Kellyn.)

While this might be trivial and kindof silly, it is so relevant.

It kindof made me realize how small we are and how temporary life is. It made me really think... I should be completely fearless to go out there and get things done! I want to put forth all of the effort I have inside of me to do everything to the best of my ability! I want to try new things. Weird things. Hard things! I want to meet all of the human beings I can possibly meet! I need to live in every moment of every second of every minute of every hour of every day, because it's all too important! I want to take every learning opportunity that comes my way and get every single thing I possibly can out of it - failure or success, and see them as opportunities to learn. 

There is so much to see, so much to learn and so much to do in this world, both at home and outside of home that life should never, ever, ever be boring! We all have somethin' going for us, right? 

I want to make the most of the littlest things. I want to appreciate it all. 

Lately I've been so consumed with school projects, homework, and things of the like that I haven't truly been appreciating life. Oftentimes, I am so consumed by schoolwork, traveling from Carbondale to Harrisburg to Carbondale, and making time for family and friends, I'm not really truly appreciating the time being spent doing these things. 

This week, I'll appreciate the little things:

Perhaps it might be a not-so-good grade, the rainy days to come, a silly question asked by a student, and Cuties. (Both the hybrid fruit and literal humans that are cute.) 

I have the desire to learn everything I possibly can in this lifetime, and sometimes it gets covered up by the busyness of life. 

So here's to this week and appreciating every little thing! 

Thursdays are my favorite days.

hi! 

Today was the sweetest day. This semester,  I spend my Thursdays in a 5th grade elementary classroom. It has been the best experience, and each time I leave the classroom on Thursday, I am just overwhelmed with joy & thankfulness & happiness in general.  Even though school can sometimes be overwhelming, being there really reminds me why I want to become a teacher. 

Today, while I was in the 5th grade, I thought about life a lot and the different stages of it. There's a beauty in every stage that we all ought to embrace, whether you're young or old, but there's something about the rawness, innocence, honesty and purity of being a kid that is such gold. I sat there today watching them create spaceships and people out of paper, markers, and tape. I love that they can do that, have fun without toys (or, I guess electronics these days) and make what they can with what they have. I can see that they let their imaginations go and come up with all kinds of things that they put a lot of thought into.  

There really is something so incredible about the heart and mind of a child. Their writings, drawings, and imagination. Everything about them is so inspiring! There is really a beauty to imagination, laughing at the littlest things that aren't funny to adults, coloring outside the lines, words that are spelled almost incorrectly, and other things adults don't understand but they do anyways. There's so much beauty in the heart and mind of a child that makes them all gold. Sure, they can get mean and disobedient, but...

they sure do inspire me. 

Stories

Wow! I really stink at this whole "documenting my life" thing.
Update: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH! HOO-RAY! I'm turning 20. I assume nothing special happens, but I'm still excited. It's a birthday! I love birthdays, parties, cake, and things of the like. : )

Anyways...
Lately, I've been doing a lot of reflection of life experiences as of late. I really enjoy school and everything in Carbondale. My brain feels like it is literally growing larger and larger each day because of the amount of information I take in; however, I still love it. I've met nice people, not so nice people, and weird people. I especially love the weird people. They make life so interesting and fun. Each weekend I come home to my parents and have so many stories to tell them. These stories include occurrences at school to my not-so-nice roommate and other relationship troubles, even silly events happening like forgetting to put fabric softener in the washer. (This is a big deal to me!)
I've realized that stories are an everyday occurrence. There are good stories and bad stories, but I really believe they can make you a better (or worse) person... depending on how you take them. You can grow from these stories, or let them act like chains and hold you down. The neat thing is... everyone has different stories, and we each take them in differently. Sometimes this stories come in expectedly, and sometimes unexpectedly, they can be sweet or a slap in the face!

But, it's how we take them and learn from them. 

I think know God gives us these stories for a purpose. 

So we can share them with others and maybe help them out, too. 

I think I'll start sharing my stories. In this way, maybe I can extend love no matter where I go and who I'm talking to. That'd be neat. I want to live a life of love no matter where I'm at or where God places me. 

SO, good stories as of late?

I made the most delicious cupcakes for Easter. Vanilla filled with blackberry mascarpone and vanilla buttercream! Delicious. I'll bake some for you, if you'd like. 

The little girl next door greeted me as soon as I pulled in the driveway today. As soon as I got out of my car, she gave me a huge hug around my legs and handed me a handful of dandelions. "HERE!!" she said, in her cute little 4-year old voice. Of course I replied with a, "Thank you! I love them!" Then, she ran off and continued to play. Isn't it so funny how the littlest things such as dandelion, a weed, can be a token of love? This whole event just makes me smile. This little girl showed so much love to me just by handing me a handful of weeds when I got home. Needless to say, this made my entire day. I want to show love like my little neighbor girl, in the simplest ways. It says so much. 

I've discovered my passion for teaching internationally. I'm not saying I want to go out of the country, I mean, I would love that, but I love everything about other countries, especially their people. Each week I spend at least 1 hour with a student from South Korea. This gal is the BEST. I've learned so much from her. This may sound silly, but she makes my heart so happy! I've found myself researching and watching videos all about education in other countries, and it is all so interesting to me. I believe this story is to be continued with continued thought and much prayer. : )

It's really neat how relationships form. I mean, in grade school we were all basically friends if we were in the same classroom. It's neat to look back and see what defined friendship throughout the years. I love my gal pals so much, and am so thankful for them. They are always there when I need to talk, laugh, cry, whine, etc. I've also learned a lot about love. It's really weird how the definition changed for me once I got out of high school. It's not just hanging out on the weekends or talking on the phone, but completely... well, I don't really think love should be confined to words. What do you think? I don't know, it kindof seems hard to see myself in this "love" that defines marriage. I feel like sometimes I'm hard to love and I would especially be hard to love in a "romantic" way. SO, this story is also to be continued. :)

SO, I have no idea what I'm doing with this whole "blog" thing, but it's kindof fun. 

PLUS, my father and I are furnishing my entire (or at least a majority) of my apartment for the fall by ourselves. My dad is the best and can build/do anything.. so I will be blogging about that in the summer. Yay! 

You're great. I really think that! Even my hard-to-love roommate. (I could probably tell you a couple of stories about her, too.)

hi, these are delicious.

sweet dandy-lions!

the sweetest girl you'll ever meet, Sun-ah!

my best gal pals.