bad days are good, too

hi!

I will be honest in saying that the past few days have been... weird. I felt more emotional than usual and little things were starting to either worry or bug me, and I really didn't like the feeling. Honestly, I was just really overwhelmed with life, relationships, and the future. I didn't feel content with anything, and I had no idea why. I was constantly changing my mind with both little things and major life decisions. (Decisions I didn't even need to think or worry about right now, honestly!) I have felt exhausted both physically and mentally and just really felt under the bus. It was like I wanted to ditch my classes and plans and stay in bed all day. But, I soon realized that was silly and I knew that there was no getting out of anything for the day, so I got myself up and going. 

I wish I didn't have those kind of days, but I'm pretty sure God allows those moments to happen enable for me to wake up and realize just how weak and needy I am when my heart becomes so worrisome, selfish and even cold. I've been completely conflicted lately and honestly, worrying about silly little things that shouldn't even be worried about. I really need to shake off this funk and tap into the law of conservation of energy, taking the time to take advantage of all the energy, movement, opportunities and blessings in this world that God has given to me. I need to persevere, dropping all of the excess weight and worry. I need to live in every moment for God and I need to live every moment knowing that God is with me, always.

Yeah, I just completely spilled out something that I didn't really want or need to reveal to the world wide web and my the whole two people that probably read this, but that's not everything I wanted to say. 

The whole point of this is to encourage any human being reading this to push aside any junk in your life, to push on, and to embrace the loved ones that God has placed in our lives to help brighten the day and serve as refreshers from weird funks -- which I am so thankful for. I'm so happy human beings have each other. It's so nice to know that we are not alone. 

With that said, I really think it's important for us to embrace the good days, but also the bad days. 

Don't waste your life : dance, dance, dance!

It's summer, it's summer! Which gives everyone a perfectly good excuse to dance. (Even though I believe it's perfectly acceptable to dance all the time, every single day. I encourage this, actually.)

I feel like I haven't stopped much since the spring semester ended! I moved back home, I started a new job, and started summer classes. Life is so busy!

I think it's really important within the busyness of life to take time to enjoy silly little things. As I enter adulthood (or am I already there?) I find it's more difficult for my fellow 20-somethings to just.. well, laugh and be silly and live.

I want to have dance parties. I want to have sing-alongs in the car to the top 40 of the early 2000's. I want to listen to 60's on 6. I want to wear overalls in public. I want to wear funky hats. I want to create silly little doodles on sidewalks with chalk. I want to spill my heart with no worries. I want to go on as many adventures as I possibly can. I want to write love notes! I want to smile and dance and laugh and giggle and enjoy life.

I want to be silly in the midst of this silly little thing called BUSYNESS. (I believe this could also be defined as "growing up.")

Soo, I'm very happy to say that in between all of this busyness, I've been able to spend time with people that I very much care about and love.

I've had dance parties and sing-alongs with my best gal pals. We've danced in my living room, the car, fields, driveways, and streets. We also like to go out to this field in the country and stargaze and have heart-to-hearts about life, love, and just everything. These past few weeks, I've consumed more ice cream than I have in a long, long time. Which is fine, right? I went to cowboy church with my best gal pals, too. It was the best ever! I met some real life cowboys and there was a fiddle and animals and everything! It was held in a livestock auction barn, which was really neat. I really like cowboy church. It's so real - like, relaxed and down to Earth. They whooped and hollered and were just generally excited for Jesus... which I love. I went on a picnic and then to a rootbeer saloon with my favorite fella! Root beer is my favorite drink of all time. We built a blanket fort and got fake tattoos of soft serve ice cream cones. I went hiking with my daddy-o and we drank coca-cola's together. I've been visiting my grandma and watching black and white movies with her. While at her house, I learned the Texas two step from her boyfriend! There isn't a day that I can go without smiling. Just knowing the existence of God, and the fact that He will never ever give up on me. And the fact that He gave us the ability to love.  I hope I can love really close to how He loves. I also hope there are dance parties in heaven. (I assume David is on the VIP list.)

It's a good life. Thank you, God. 

Also, I really want a ukulele.

We're All a Little Weird, Right?

Is it weird that I could literally eat breakfast for every meal and never get tired of it? Is it weird that enjoy sewing and baking and hanging out with my grandma more than a normal 20 year old girl probably should? Is it weird that I usually drop the g's on all words such as lovin', cookin', and lookin'? Is it weird that I like folding fitted sheets? Is it weird that I think it's acceptable to eat cake for breakfast? Is it weird that I prefer pizza over sushi? Is it weird that I think most days are ok days to listen to Notorious B.I.G? Is it weird that I created a zine for my creative writing class with a primary focus on Crisco and Sisqo, as in the 1999 lyrical genius?

big thanks to my favorite fella for the nice little sketch of Sisqo. : )

Weird is such a weird word... but I like it. I like people! I really do! Everyone has their own kind of weird if you think about it. Despite every mean thing that anyone has ever done and any mean thought that has ever passed through anyone's mind I like to believe that deep down inside everyone has got some beauty within them! Yes, even the biggest bully you've ever met in your entire life! Even the kid who used to steal your quarters and lunch on the playground! (Does that really happen? I guess I'll find out.) Seeing the beauty in yourself and everyone else is taking all failures, strengths, quirks, and weirdness and loving each and every bit of it! Especially yourself, which I sometimes find especially hard. Because, well, no one is better at being you than you, right? (How cheesy, I KNOW.) But hey! God made each and every person in the world intricately and uniquely with His very own hands! Which is super neat and interesting if you really sit down and ponder that for a minute.

so, this all really works out for us, I think. You are unique, you are you, you are weird, but everyone else is, too!
so, thanks, God, for that.


P.S. Sunday is Mother's Day!! Love on your madres a little extra this weekend, and do something very special for her.

beauty.

I really like life a whole lot, both the good parts and the bad. It's the end of the school year and even though it's a sad thing, I wanna think about all of the good things that I've experienced this year... which, I definitely think it's been a rather good year collectively. I love SIU, Carbondale, my classes, the people I've met, everything. 

I really think I've learned to appreciate and find the beauty in every single thing, good or bad, big or small. I find myself looking at everything around me and smiling so, so big because of the part it plays in this big, huge, world. My mind is oftentimes blown by the things that God has created purely for beauty and as I like to think, to make us smile. 

Of course I had to snap a photo of the pretty walk around campus lake with my gal pal.

It also made me think about other things that are beautiful to me...

afternoon walks with my best gal pal

always God's plan, never a coincidence

rainy days that allow me to wear rain boots

warm days that allow me to wear sundresses

sundays with nick. 

people who are really good at what they do, but still down to earth and humble

days and nights spent with family 

my grandma's boyfriend who is battling (and conquering) cancer and still continues to be his silly, goofy self

music

handwritten things

letters

memories
the library

a love for books

the farmers market 

my pretty conversation partner, Sun-ah

bluegrass and folk music

conversations with my roommate, jordan
people who are real with me

time spent with my two best gal pals, emma & hillary 

trees, flowers, the sky, grass, clouds

people's stories

people's testimonies
root beer
parties

my mom and dad

my sweet grandma who teaches me to be a lady each and every day 

records

my brother and his big brain

hugs

breakfast foods

family get-togethers

love notes

listening and dancing to oldies from the past

alone time with God

seeing elderly couples going on walks together, holding hands, and eating ice cream cones.

seeing my best friends in love

adventures!!
Carbondale

different cultures

reconnecting with old friends

engagements

milkshakes, or anything of the ice cream variety

old photos

late night conversations on life 

dairy queen

meeting new people and hearing all about their life stories 

mutual smiles

phone calls

the ability to love

the existence of God

and the fact that He will never give up on me

and He won't on you, either.

I thought I had it all figured out : trust

I've been thinking about a lot of things that have happened recently. Everything is changing and everything is really, really good. I think back to where I was a year and a half ago and everything that I had planned for myself. For some reason, at age 19, I made so many plans. I mapped out literally every single thing that I wanted (at the time.) I thought I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I would do with my life, where I would work, etc. I think girls have a tendency to map out everything from time to time. I guess we just like to be on top of things, or so we think.

Fast forward to now, 2013:

Every single thing that I had planned for myself is completely different than what I thought it would be. It's kindof funny, I feel like I had planned my life all out and God just knocked it all down forcing me to trust Him and His will for my life. I thought I had the "perfect planned out life," but soon realized how silly that was of me. No matter how hard I tried to make my own plan work, I feel like God always had his way of saying "no." Honestly, a couple of months ago I knew I needed to quit attempting to figure it all out and have all the answers. Honestly, the past few months I've done a couple of things that I never ever thought I would ever do, but they have turned out to be so good.

But of course, recently I've been trying to plan it all out yet again! I always think about how a year from now I will no longer be a student. I will be graduating. I will be a real life teacher. Quite frankly, this scares me more than anything at the moment. And, I hope I'm not alone in this. I'm not doubting my ability to be a teacher, but my ability to be a functioning adult. Ha ha! However, I am constantly reminded to put my entire, whole heart and trust back into Him. Because He knows better than anyone else, especially me. 

No matter what I have planned for my life, God has a much better plan that I could ever imagine. 

I'm just so silly sometimes and like to doubt God (no bueno, Kellyn. One of my many weaknesses!) He has given me everything I need, and even things I didn't even know I needed. I realize that I'm scared and I like to take things into my own hands most of the time; however, I think about it, and not completely knowing what is going to happen is kindof exciting, right? I mean, anything could happen. Ah! That's exciting! I think I'll try to be more open-minded to this, and the fact that spontaneous and not necessarily knowing all is such a good thing, especially when it's not in my hands.

Giving and receiving trust has shown to be so completely rewarding and I can't wait for more. 

Attempting to put gratitude into words, oh my.

My, my, my! What a wonderful week! I'm 20!

My heart is so happy!

I started off the week by turning in one of the biggest projects of the semester, thank goodness! I was so, so relieved. I went on my weekly walk around campus lake with my best gal pal (who also ended up getting engaged tonight. AH!) On Wednesday, I got a summer job. (I have been wanting a job for the longest time! So, thank good Lord.) On Thursday after night class, my sweet elementary ed pals surprised me with a little birthday get-together. I'm so thankful for them! It means more to me then they will ever know. Without a doubt, this is the most meaningful, nice, thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. I met with my sweet conversation partner, Sun-ah, and she shared with me her love story. If you want your cheeks to hurt from smiling a lot, ask someone to tell you their love story. Every week I feel thankful for this girl and everything she teaches me! I spent my Friday night with my best ladies for my birthday. On this very night, I also got rejected for ownership of a goldfish. My heart broke into a million pieces because of this occurrence, but, I soon forgot about it and all was well once again. Saturday, my birthday, my momma woke me up with blueberry birthday scones and a glass of orange juice. Like always, my grandma called me and sang happy birthday to me. I then spent the day celebrating Record Store Day with one of the best human beings. Just so you all know, I had the best time.

THEN,
I went to my best friend's engagement party. Except, she didn't know it was her engagement party. She thought it was a birthday party for her boyfriend. She was completely surprised. It was the best. I love love. I love her. YAY.

I then spent the evening with my family. We had dinner, and it was the best. I love their company and the food they make.

I had the best birthday week.

My heart just feels so happy and full of joy. Literally, it's overflowing with joy.  I'm just feeling so, so thankful for every single person and opportunity God has placed in my life so far, new and old! I am just feeling really blessed.  I am completely undeserving of all of this, yet because God is such a nice fella and loves me, he has placed all of this in my life!

I like Him a lot.

Every single person I've come into contact with, I feel so happy and glad to know them. I think it's really hard to express how happy and thankful I feel for every single person.  It's always really nice to know that we aren't on Earth alone, but that we have each other. I wish that I could just send out one big, giant hug and kiss on the cheek to every single person... and say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Found this on our weekly walk around Campus Lake. 

Loved spending my Friday with my gal pals. 

Emma wrapped my present in Christmas wrapping paper, which was perfect because I love Christmas. 

They're engaged! 

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me, (An Ode to Turning 20)

A lot is going to occur in the next couple of years. You finish high school, discover yourself, and your passions. You start college! It's fantastic, but quit worrying about the little things. You join the Speech Team, but that just didn't work out because it wasn't really your passion anymore and quite frankly, it gave you panic attacks! You had a hard time quitting the team, that's because you were always an overachiever, weren't you? You always worry about pleasing those around you, so quit that! You'll learn soon. You're going to fall in love for the very first time this year. When you look back, you'll wish that you could change a lot of things, but be glad it all happened. School will be really overwhelming, but you will love it and be ok. You'll graduate and then go to SIU. Oh, and that boy you loved? Yeah, well that didn't work out. No harm, no foul, but he will make all the difference. Yes, yes, he will open your eyes, but not right away of course. Good things come in time. Okay, so you absolutely love school and everything Carbondale offers. There will be boys and friends and you'll lose them along the way, but things are really going for you. You cherish and appreciate every single moment. You went from a selfish girl to a selfless women in the time it took to walk the capital steps. Everything changes. You'll meet and keep the most amazing friends in the world. You will always be second, third, or actually forth. Take it though, because you use to do the same to another. You'll learn from it and it will make you a better person (I hope so anyway). All those morals and hopes and dreams you have for yourself- don't lose those! They will be so important when you lose everything. You won't see it coming at all. Take in the sadness and dwell in it, but only for a moment. You've got so much to do! You'll take many tests and create many lessons and your cooperating teacher will be the most amazing person in the world. You'll learn a lot from her, so keep your ears open. You will fall in love with the classroom and with those precious kiddos you're going to be teaching.  Spring fever will kick in but don't let it get you down! You'll be disconnected from school, so work extra had to stay on top of your work. You find small glimpses of happiness in the 20 minute breaks for dinner and walks around campus lake. Hold onto that faith of yours. It's hands down the most important thing you'll ever have. Always stand your ground. People love you for who you are, so never try to be anything but that. You've also got the best friends in the world. Never take them for granted and tell them how much they mean to you. And Kellyn, don't you ever regret loving someone and loving them with your whole being. 

10 out of 10 people die.

the big 'ole beautiful, blue sky

I was listening to the radio on my drive to Harrisburg yesterday, and I heard this:

"10 out of 10 people die."

(Well, duh, Kellyn.)

While this might be trivial and kindof silly, it is so relevant.

It kindof made me realize how small we are and how temporary life is. It made me really think... I should be completely fearless to go out there and get things done! I want to put forth all of the effort I have inside of me to do everything to the best of my ability! I want to try new things. Weird things. Hard things! I want to meet all of the human beings I can possibly meet! I need to live in every moment of every second of every minute of every hour of every day, because it's all too important! I want to take every learning opportunity that comes my way and get every single thing I possibly can out of it - failure or success, and see them as opportunities to learn. 

There is so much to see, so much to learn and so much to do in this world, both at home and outside of home that life should never, ever, ever be boring! We all have somethin' going for us, right? 

I want to make the most of the littlest things. I want to appreciate it all. 

Lately I've been so consumed with school projects, homework, and things of the like that I haven't truly been appreciating life. Oftentimes, I am so consumed by schoolwork, traveling from Carbondale to Harrisburg to Carbondale, and making time for family and friends, I'm not really truly appreciating the time being spent doing these things. 

This week, I'll appreciate the little things:

Perhaps it might be a not-so-good grade, the rainy days to come, a silly question asked by a student, and Cuties. (Both the hybrid fruit and literal humans that are cute.) 

I have the desire to learn everything I possibly can in this lifetime, and sometimes it gets covered up by the busyness of life. 

So here's to this week and appreciating every little thing! 

Thursdays are my favorite days.

hi! 

Today was the sweetest day. This semester,  I spend my Thursdays in a 5th grade elementary classroom. It has been the best experience, and each time I leave the classroom on Thursday, I am just overwhelmed with joy & thankfulness & happiness in general.  Even though school can sometimes be overwhelming, being there really reminds me why I want to become a teacher. 

Today, while I was in the 5th grade, I thought about life a lot and the different stages of it. There's a beauty in every stage that we all ought to embrace, whether you're young or old, but there's something about the rawness, innocence, honesty and purity of being a kid that is such gold. I sat there today watching them create spaceships and people out of paper, markers, and tape. I love that they can do that, have fun without toys (or, I guess electronics these days) and make what they can with what they have. I can see that they let their imaginations go and come up with all kinds of things that they put a lot of thought into.  

There really is something so incredible about the heart and mind of a child. Their writings, drawings, and imagination. Everything about them is so inspiring! There is really a beauty to imagination, laughing at the littlest things that aren't funny to adults, coloring outside the lines, words that are spelled almost incorrectly, and other things adults don't understand but they do anyways. There's so much beauty in the heart and mind of a child that makes them all gold. Sure, they can get mean and disobedient, but...

they sure do inspire me.